Monday, March 03, 2008

Lost time

I once tried to keep busy to avoid the emptiness of solitude. I found quietude uncomfortable and dreaded the end of day.

I forged another life of all the busy-ness, and even though it is compartmentalized as other, as somehow not the part of my real life, or the relaxed, unedited me, activity triumphs. It's no longer separate.

I got used to the loneliness and boredom, even as it carried me to the edge of madness.

Just as I once, in manic avoidance, stayed frazzled and busy with social activity.

A little older now. Still twitchy. Still bite my thumb and tap fingers. Mom's almost 70. So does she. But I've found a happy balance with all the busyness. I've learned not to overcommit. Seek peace and re-energy in solitude. Participating in a community validates my humanity and gives me a sense of worth and belonging. I can control my body language, take on a character of repose, even as I'm roiling mentally, and eventually mind conforms to body.

But energy is undaunted.

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