Thursday, July 19, 2007

"Tell me all your thoughts of god"

Love, Devotion, Surrender by John McLaughlin and Carlos Santana. Love that idea… total sublimity to an ideal, a god, something higher, greater, more incomprehensible than self. It reminds me of the Christian devotion experiences of my youth, and how now I realize I got away from that because my intellect didn’t want to accept the bible. Now I realize how foolish that approach to godhead really is. That god is not something to be intellectualized. god is something felt, known bone core deep, the life force joy euphoria raging through every moment and every thing. The gawd of the bible is the gawd of patriarchy, the god of society and rules, the god of Law, an important construct in the development of Western civilization, sure, but not godhead, no. god is too personal for that.
How does one learn how to write? By writing. How does one get closer to god? By kneeling in surrender, giving over to the mystery, accepting, living in the now, meditation, devotion….
Enough, enough. Bullshit mysticism. god is too big for words. I guess that’s the source of my biblical disillusionment. The god I felt in my heart didn’t match up with the god on the page. Or the god I sang about in church, the god of song, wracking through the rib cage, in time, for that moment, then gone. Not the smoting god, the god who turned the heart of Pharaoh or prophesied the betrayal of Judas. Not the god of miracles outside the laws of nature, but the god of miracles within nature, like the moving mist along the river in the early morning. And all that other happy horseshit, like a dizzy spell standing up after a crap. That’s God.

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